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Diary of a Drug Fiend

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Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
10:39 pm
NP: Skyclad - Land of the Rising Slum [remix]

How the fuck are you all doing?

I've been up. I've been down. Had surgery of the non-trans-related type, though war with the insurance company is officially fucking on to fix that little problem. If all else fails I'm getting on Medical, which'll cover some of it, at least. They've already stiffed me on my T. Covered it before, but apparently not anymore, because it's "not a maintenance medication." The fuck. What the hell else /is/ it then? I'd love to see the official who came up with /that/ crazy shit say that to any man who's using it to keep themselves healthy post-andropause or any woman using it to control endometriosis. My white ass.

My voice is changing. I really need to get my name changed legally because it's starting to really confuse bureaucratic types when they talk to my voice attached to my birth name on the phone.

I was reading dethtoll's old entries to catch up on what I'd missed from him and it made me, really sharply, miss you guys.

So I logged in. And now I don't know what the hell to say. And I don't really want to /talk/ to anyone... just, I want to /see/ you somehow. Watch and know you're all right, but I'm so fucking tired. You know the feeling? Tired. So fucking tired.

I'm beginning to think my Prozac dose needs upping.

Oh the fuck well.

I've actually done so little speed lately. It's just... it's not really fun by myself anymore. I've done it with friends too often I guess. Heh. And I haven't had a drink in ages, much less gotten drunk. Improvement, eh? Just... been too tired for it. Heh. Talk about 'losing interest in activities once enjoyed'. Shitsurgeon.

I dunno. I have no idea what else to say.

Love and shit.

~ Drakkon
NP: Anthrax - Remember Tomorrow

current mood: tired

(7 junkies in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
7:57 pm
RE: the shit in a couple furry communities...

Why, oh why, do I ALWAYS decide to go underground, and THEN discover a bunch of fun going down?

Must not get involved.

Wanna dance on skulls.

Don't get involved...

... dance on skulls...

Don't get involved...

... dance on skulls...

What's a dawgboy to do?

current mood: tempted, so tempted

(9 junkies in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
1:20 am - ...
Even Rhydin isn't safe...Collapse )


(4 junkies in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
2:03 am - Because sharing is caring, and I can't sleep.
Illness for no reason can fucking die.

Hopefully quickly, so I can start eating again.

The most obnoxious sensation is the world is simultaneous hungry-snarling and vomit-nausea.

Dear Stomach,

Make up your fucking mind, you Friday-manufactured bargain-bin waste of muscle and acid. If you want food, glad to oblige. If you don't, I'm sure we'll live provided you don't do this for more than two or three weeks. You've already counted off four days, fucker. Four days in which you wouldn't even let us comfortably consume one of those fucking soup-in-a-cup things, a MISO SOUP variety. The most non-threatning food in existance. It was water and buillion and salt. If even the buillion or salt. But you WRITHED through that, and I had to swallow, hard, to keep you from ejecting it violently in an inconvenient manner. Yet even now you're growling irritably at me, as though this is somehow my fault. You stupid shit.


Oh, and a close runner up is feeling too hot and too cold simultaneously and yet not running any variety of fever. What the fuck. I could understand if, y'know, we'd accidentally contracted salmonella from the lizard and everything was sort of on fire at 102 or whatever, but if my internal temperature is 96.4, like it always is, I should NOT be sweating and shivering simultaneously. That ISN'T FUNNY. STOP IT.

~ Drakkon

current mood: sick and resentful

(9 junkies in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Monday, July 19th, 2004
5:51 am - I know, Captain, that you've done this work before.
NP: Iron Maiden - The Edge of Darkness

I'm nowhere near done, like, at all, but here's a shrunken preview of Winter's Grief's painting-thing. I'm not sure how I'm going to properly display the final, because it's Decently Girthy (~1000x~800), and I'm making it large for a reason, so I can do details I usually skim over (but I'm also deliberately avoiding total realism, unlike usual), but my one image host, Photobucket, shrinks images it thinks are too big and makes them look shitasmical, and the other one, Villagephotos, has a daily bandwidth limit that's way too small for more than a few people to see the full-size image even as a sketch, as was shown earlier. Might just victimise deviantART and post links instead of inserting the images directly. Either way, though...

Incomplete: DoomfaringCollapse )

Also -- I can't sleep, I'm feeling cheerful, so I'm getting on AIM, I think. I know I said it'd be another couple weeks, but I feel pretty all right, if sort of sleepy, and I'm in the mood for some gaming if possible. Hey Wraith, Ceej, or anyone really, want to RP (if either/any of you are around)?

Also, after this, I think I'm going to revive one of my pet projects from a few years ago... drawing, writing, and roleplaying Pokemon as they damn well should have been done -- real MONSTERS fighting real battles with real blood, NC-17-rated fun. No kiddie bullshit allowed. It's fun!!

Okay, to AIM with me. I just noticed the time, though, so maybe I'll only peek on and then wander... but I'm getting the itch.

Heh, I'd post an app queue, but the only ones I can think of that I'm really planning on are Leandros and Sachairi for Mirrors, as Rookwood and Saxon are already there. I've got other ideas stewing (like the werewolf-killing werewolf of confused doom), but I'm going to let them ferment a bit longer before I even give them the dignity of Real App Status.

Man, next to the rest of you, I feel fucking impotent. ;p

Either way -- zoom! (No, I am not on speed.)

~ Drakkon
NP: Seikima-II - Sukiandorasu na Kizuna

current mood: creative

(2 junkies in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Sunday, July 18th, 2004
8:19 pm - Look at that guy over there...
NP: Insane Clown Posse - Pendulum's Promise

Art post, 'cos I said I would at some point. And I feel like it, damn it.

First, a new icon for Leandros, showing him in full Hunter-Killer mode.

I'm thinking of drawing two more for him, because I never did quite find a really great PB (the guy I had wasn't that bad, I'm not entirely sure my two photos are actually of the same person). The weird lighting and fuzzy stuff is my attempt at rendering London fog and the dirty yellow ambience of a streetlight, obviously in the middle of the night sometime. I also tried to give him a touch of feline eyeshine, but I didn't quite manage that. Oh well.

And now, the stuff requiring cuts:

A sketch of Justis, sort of.Collapse )
Sketch of Winter's Grief -- Somewhat Large.Collapse )

Not much today. Comments, critique, anyone? I'll post the final of Wint's picture when it's complete.

~ Drakkon
NP: Powermad - Nice Dreams

current mood: creative

(13 junkies in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

3:52 pm - See the carcass in its dying rages
I found, whilst shutting a window on Mom's request, a scale in Will's bathroom.

Curious, I sought a second opinion.

It took a while for the thing to make up its mind, but it settled, eventually, on 268lbs.

In other words, I have actually lost weight since the last reliable measurement was taken, and moreover, am still firmly within the weight range I have been hovering in for the last year or two at least.

In short, I believe I need to inform my doctor that her scale is insane.

Oh yeah, I opened a bank account and Costco seems interested in hiring me. Boo yah.

That is all.

~ Drakkon
NP: Bruce Dickinson - Machine Men

current mood: not 330lbs

(1 junkie in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Thursday, July 15th, 2004
11:47 pm - Playing the whole hand 'til it's through, dying hard.
Another brief break of silence, although not in a fit of rage like last time.

This evening, I merely find myself deeply confused.

Is it at all possible to put on forty pounds and yet show no sign of it in any way other than the scale reading? Clothes fitting the same (and a couple pairs of pants becoming too loose), no reduction in strength, speed, or stamina (my weight-lifting regime has, in fact, improved the former and latter), and no visual difference whatsoever?

Went to the doctor's today to discuss some things and update her on my trans situation (which is going better and better -- I'm feeling the T and I've got a name to pursue who'll prescribe it for me and maybe get me some surgery... boo fuckin' yah), and as usual they weighed me and took my blood pressure. Two of the last three times I've gone there, their scale has insisted I've gained some huge amount of weight in a ridiculously short amount of time, when I've actually been eating healthier and absolutely NOTHING has changed in my body that I can tell. How the fuck can I gain a net total of 60 pounds and have NO DIFFERENCE WHATSOEVER? What the FUCK?

You people who know about health and weight, women-types, anyone... explain this to me!! I can account for SOME of that with increased muscle mass from my working out and taking testosterone, but not THAT much, not by far, and definitely not within a month and a half.

Other than being extremely baffled by the scale, I'm doing better. Feeling healthier, stronger, without some negative influences in my life. Getting back on a healthier pattern in all things. Going to spend a week or two at Sparrow and Racer's as soon as I get my room clean and everything taken care of here, and I think when I come back from there I'll be good to go.

Other than the obvious, I've also spent a lot of my downtime making little furry emoticons. I have NO idea why. I may post some later.

I love and miss you all. :)

(P.S.: Just in case you wondered Ceej, even if you hadn't really needed to sleep the other night, I passed out about half an hour after I posted the comment anyway. :) Hope you're sleeping better now.)

~ Drakkon
NP: Iron Maiden - Fates Warning

current mood: good

(8 junkies in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Monday, July 12th, 2004
3:31 am
Brief break of silence.


I believe, when I informed my mother, a few weeks ago, that this sort of occurance was visible from miles off, her reply was, "*snort* That's impossible. They can't actually do that."

Impossible. Haha.

Can I get a resounding NO?

current mood: cynical

(6 junkies in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Monday, July 5th, 2004
12:27 pm

current mood: hungover

(I don't want to be saved!)

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
5:46 pm - No wonder life looks better through the bottom of a glass.

Fun with fucking morons. 2 sees Shrek 2 and thinks Donkey-as-Stallion is hot; this makes him responsible for everything wrong with the fandom. Or something. I wasn't going to get involved at first so my contribution is minor and towards the end. Still, either that's some of my better material or a reason to never participate in flame wars while drunk again.

Apparently, five days isn't enough to do it. Hm. There's one more thing I don't have to worry about.

It is too fucking hot for this shit. This room is killing me. Even ice-cold Stoli isn't helping. I'm gone.

~ Drakkon
NP: Skyclad - Quantity Time

current mood: cantankerous

(I don't want to be saved!)

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
9:52 pm - Nine million is a LOT of fucking bees. And they're ALL pissed off!
NP: Joan Jett - I Love Rock n' Roll

So. Good news, and bad news.

Good news: With much help, gum-and-duct-taped the drivers out of brokenness, so I officially have Internet again.

Bad news: While I was off doing said things, my mouse inexplicably died for no reason. Granted, the little fucker's been clinging to life through sheer stubborn refusal to die for at least two years now, but it's sort of odd that it gave up without any trigger. It's like it just got tired of life. Poor little dead thing.

I'm actually making this update via Mamono, because I have madd enough kybard skillz to alt-tab and F5 my way at least this far through the Internet. But it seems like no one in the house has a spare, so I need to acquire a new one. Which may or may not take some time. Especially given the driving test debacle. Sigh.

I intend to steal Mom's computer more often to make up for this, but regardless, I'm going to be AWOL for a while longer.

On the plus side, I've successfully put down the looming threat of an opioid habit with lots and lots of speed. Why the fuck didn't I think of that before? I love speed -- it's useful, but it kicks your ass. You have to be really determined to get any sort of 'habit'. I am lazy.

Note to self: poppies do not like clay. Nor deserts. And two runty specimens does not qualify as a 'crop'. Especially when they decide to flower once apiece and promptly die. I think Mother Nature is giving me the V.

On the plus side, the morning glories are happy. Mom insists they need to go in the ground. I am convinced that going outside will have the same effect on them as a microwave does ants.

I am going to go back to San Francisco for a bit. And do a lot of art. And guitar. And speed. And maybe a graphic novel with Miss Hell. She still has to talk me into it. And give me something to actually do.

For some odd reason I've been working a lot on that Stained RPG I wrote up like two years ago or more and then never did much with. I'm half-tempted to actually try and do something with it, if only because I've been writing all sorts of shit in my little 'stained_rpg.txt' file, but...

Well, fuck. You people know me. I can't even successfully grow a plant without help. Actually going for that thing would be the ultimate triumph of hope over experience.

Doesn't help that a lot of the new material was written Under the Influence, and hence swings between pretentiousness (which I wasn't aware I was capable of before now) and incomprehensibility, so I'm hesitant to even show anyone. I tried to make an image for the reader and it turned into a broken-glass mosaic done by Jackson Pollock wearing a foil-wrapped colander. Much like that last metaphor. Actually, I think this whole post is a perfect example of why nothing I write on speed should be read by anyone, ever.

There's new stuff on deviantART. Nothing really interesting as usual, but some of you are insane and like my shit, so I'm letting you know. Bah.

I'm now debating whether I should post that guide-thing, except beyond all the cons noted above, it's getting to be a damned behemoth. I'm not sure it'll fit in a single post. And frankly, no one cares. So I won't. Enough from me.


~ Drakkon
NP: 2 Sense 6-20-04

current mood: rambly

(3 junkies in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Friday, June 11th, 2004
9:17 pm - It ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no senator's son
Just a brief update for you all.

First, in the process of routine maintenance and streamlining, we somehow managed to bollocks the wireless drivers on Mamono. Therefore, I won't be able to be until I get that fixed, and so far I'm not having much luck. It might take a bit... right now I'm just borrowing Mom's so I can do this. Deepest apologies to Sirius... love you anyway, buddy. Congrats on the aging.

Also, for those who may be thinking of calling me this weekend, don't, as I'm once again going off in search of werewolves and speed. I called Sparrow 13 and FastWolf earlier this evening and FastWolf invited me down there, and who am I to decline? Especially when I'm not getting anything done here anyhow. They have nifty Internet, though, so while they bounce around I'll probably sneak on for a bit. So there's that.

Der Warmachine is in good shape, otherwise, as am I. Love to you all, I'll be back soon. And I'll probably have some nifty art to share when I get home and get everything working...

~ Drakkon
NP: Creedence Clearwater Revival - Vietnam War Song

current mood: upbeat

(5 junkies in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Saturday, June 5th, 2004
12:37 pm
More marijuana. To the tune of Guns n' Roses videos playing in the background.

Jack: Is Axl wearing /lipstick/? Duuude, gaaaay.
Adam: No. Disallowed.
Jack: ::several seconds:: Yeaah.
Adam: You're so haaiiiiigh...
Jack: ... Not /that/ much.
Adam: Your reaction's all slow too.
Jack: ... shuddup.
Adam: Are!
Jack: ... shuddup, man! sh-shuddup!
Adam: You haaigh.
Jack: You /gay/.
Adam: Yer /mom/.
Jack: ... I love you maaan!! ::fall::
Adam: Whoa now! ::topples backwards::

Still not a real entry. Eventually.

current mood: dorky

(I don't want to be saved!)

Friday, June 4th, 2004
10:35 pm
Discussing potential furry species for musicians after a bowl or two of marijuana:

Adam: Dude... Dio... is a butterfly.

Real update later.

current mood: high

(4 junkies in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
2:25 pm - Every man for himself, you're on your own!
NP: Iron Maiden - Run Silent Run Deep

Nothing much to say at the moment... just a couple things really.

I don't know where the fuck these ideas come from. It started with a concept I was just musing (non-useless Animagus Death Eater + listening to this and The Assassin too much) and the fucker just GREW. He's a bundle of fun concepts that just wouldn't get accepted into any game on the known planet, at least not one that's got the right mood and is also worth playing in. Better suited for fanfic probably than gameage, except I don't write fanfic, not really. Damn it. And now he's sitting in my brain and won't leave. What's with me and collecting crazy killers lately? Am I just sociopath flypaper or what?

Sigh. Notes taken down about Avery, just so I don't lose 'em. I'm not even going to bother trying apping him anywhere because he's got too many of my favorite things to play with in one place (even if he is dumb as a fucking post and doesn't have the grace to know it) but I might be able to use some of these concepts somewhere else provided I don't forget.

Although it occurs to me that by his nature he could be a HIGHLY amusing foil for Lee. I hadn't thought of that before. If I ever write anything, maybe...

A hound of hell and the devil don't care.Collapse )

I slept like shit yesterday. Keep having weird fucking dreams, including one in which Saxon featured, albeit very briefly. That was god damned odd.

Oh yeah, and one thing to scream about:


The count to which she pleaded involved cocaine and other opiates found in her system.



If you're going to report specifics, get it at least SOMEWHAT fucking right? PLEASE?

That just made me want to yell for a few seconds. All done.

And that's it for now. Blaah.

I need to get to Berkeley, for more than one reason.

I have 18 bucks to my name. Woo.

~ Drakkon
NP: Megadeth - 99 Ways to Die

current mood: fiendy

(1 junkie in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Friday, May 21st, 2004
12:19 am - You ain't gettin' any fuckin' answers from me.
mrrh. Did a lot of driving today by myself. Illegal but productive.

Had my last final today, so school is Officially Out. I will go into more detail later; right now I'm sleepy and I have more errands to run tomorrow.

Good luck, Sadie me girl. You'll lick that thing. I just now got your letter but I'll reply in more depth tomorrow when my brain is less sleeplogged. ::nuzzle:: Stomp some illness ass.

Maaoooow. Upped my Prozac too. Whee...

--Jackadar the Sleepy
NP: New Model Army - Whites of Their Eyes

current mood: sleepy

(I don't want to be saved!)

Sunday, May 16th, 2004
9:16 pm - Hey-ho, my lad! Ho-ho, my lad!
Man. I'm on a total trip. One of the very few things I associate with My Childhood just came on TV and I got to sit down and watch it...

Yes, that animated version of The Hobbit from 1977. That was my favorite fucking movie for SO damn long.

I think it's high time I did something in tribute to that.


If anyone has any of the music from either that movie or Return of the King by the same people, please tell me where to get it? It's all stuck in my head now. Graah!

~ Drakkon
NP: That goblin song from the movie, stuck in my head.

current mood: nostalgic

(3 junkies in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

Thursday, May 13th, 2004
9:04 pm - Immortality.
CrowInTheSky: Man, Nevermore rules just for making a song about Timothy Leary.
H Diamorphine: Nevermore rule for having a drunk tranvestite front man who sings like a eunuch, but nevermind.
H Diamorphine: Among other things, anyhow.
CrowInTheSky: yeah, that whole Loomis guy...he's good I suppose.
H Diamorphine: No, no, I meant Warrel.
H Diamorphine: ... ooh, you haven't seen those pictures, have you.

No commentary needed.

~ Drakkon
NP: Mahavatar - The Time has Come

current mood: nauseated but amused

(1 junkie in line to die | I don't want to be saved!)

8:26 pm - Well, who asked you, anyway?
NP: Megadeth - Hook in Mouth

Well, shit.

Someone do me a favor?

This is a favor for you too. Trust me.


That is a link to a particular post in the Dave Speaks section of the official Megadeth message board. If you're not a member, it won't let you view it; make an account real quick and go for it.

In it, he posts a link to a download.php function that leads to... a new Megadeth song.

Yeah, you read that correctly.

There's also a clip from another song on the Megadeth.com front page.

I do not believe I need to elaborate further on the Why, here.

Now... apparently, that download.php link works for everyone else who cruises the forums, because there's a big thread about the song. However, maybe I'm a few days too late or something, but it's coming up broken for me.

If someone here can get the fucker to download (and gods know I can think of several people who're going to try just on the possibility), pass it on to me. Anyone. Seriously.

Dude, Mike, you were right. I wish Pete had fucking elaborated when he IMed me that other day. I can't find an official notice of reformation or anything but apparently the man is doing something, and it involves Chris Poland at very least, if not other familiar faces.

And even if you can't get that PHP to work, pop to the Megadeth.com front page and listen to the clip. I don't care what your fucking connection is like, click the fucking banner. Even if I weren't a 'deth fan, that's some eyebrow-lifting riffage there. Sounds like somebody made a pretty decent recovery.

I still feel like I'm going to throw up, like I have all day, but it's in a good way now. I didn't know that was possible, but apparently, it is.


~ Drakkon
NP: Megadeth - Black Friday

current mood: Fuuuuuck.

(I don't want to be saved!)

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